Category Archives: Comforts

Marjorie Antus’ Blog : Mary’s Shortcut

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Mary was Marjorie’s daughter. She killed herself in 1995.

On her blog, Mary’s Shortcut, Marjorie addresses many of the issues all survivors of suicide struggle with. Marjorie is Catholic and applies her faith to the issues of suicide with special insight and clarity.

I do not practice any organized religion, but the belief that suicide is a sinful act resulting in eternal damnation to hell is a fear some of Lala’s friends and family members have. Though he has never said it explicitly, comments my father has made makes it clear he feels my failure to provide Lala with a Christian upbringing contributed to her suicide. Because my belief system is so removed his, I normally choose to avoid the topic entirely.

Marjorie’s latest post discusses the writings of Father Ron Rolheiser, a Catholic priest who has written on suicide. His thoughts resonated with me, and I found deep comfort within them. I had never heard of Father Rolheiser before today, and I am so grateful to Marjorie for introducing me to his wisdom.

A couple of Ze Frank’s projects….

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In my last blog post, To Feel and Be Felt, I spoke about Ze Frank, a man who uses the internet to help people feel connected to others in their species. Musical collaborations are one method he employs to enlist people in a common project.

The Ray Project started when someone sent Ze an audio file featuring a song a man named Ray had written for his adult daughter who was having a hard time at work. Ze assigned his audience the tasks of remixing the song and finding “Ray”. In just two weeks, professional sounding remixes had been submitted, as well as CD art and a video; PLUS,  Ray had been found! Turns out Ray is a preacher from St. Louis, Missouri, which is a little bit amusing since the song is called “Whip Ass” and features the refrain, “I’m about to whip somebody’s ass”.  I’ve listened to some of the remixes, which are great, but my favorite version is the original, a heartfelt a cappella spiritual from father to daughter.

Another project was inspired by a woman named Laura.

Laura’s feelings of being overwhelmed by life were so extreme, she reached out to Ze, asking for a song – an “audio-hug”, one that “huddles around you and whispers “shhhhhh”(….) s’okay.” They exchanged a few emails, Frank asked her how she felt when she was overwhelmed and the thoughts that went through her mind when she felt anxious. Then he says he “wrote a sketch of a chorus and quietly asked some people in my audience to record themselves singing along….” After mixing together the chorus sing-alongs and adding his own verses he sent Laura her audio-hug, a song called “Chill Out”.

When she heard the song, Laura sent Ze this email:

Ze,

This is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. I can’t thank you enough. I don’t even know how to. To feel like everything is spinning out, and have a relative stranger do this, with other total strangers participating *is* overwhelming. In an incredible way.

Thank you so so so so much.
Laura

 

Packing Up and Pablo Neruda

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I hoped to spend this month reflecting on last year’s October and the friends who helped me through it. There hasn’t been much time to write though – last week my realtor and I decided the best thing I could do to sell my house was gather up all the animals – dogs, cat and pack rat (me) – and move out.

Easier said than done. When the realtor suggested I just throw things in boxes and have movers stick them in storage so painters, fixers and appraisers could come in and get their work done, it sounded like a good plan. Sounded good until I started trying to pack up twenty years of memories.

I shouldn’t be leafing through books before I toss them in the keep, give away or trash piles. But if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have found the photos from a vacation to New Mexico stuck inside a travel guide to Tahiti purchased for a vacation taken ten years later – a book that was headed for the give away pile. I also wouldn’t have found the following Pablo Neruda poem from a Penguin edition of Neruda’s work, titled Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair. 

A Song of Despair. That’s one way to describe the gentle sobs that rock my chest when I contemplate taking the bulletin board down from the wall in Lena’s room. But A Song of Despair is not the poem that resonates with me today. Today, on October the eleventh, two thousand and eleven, as I sort through what remains of once upon a time,  I Remember You As You Were is the Neruda poem that communicates how I feel.

I Remember You As You Were 

by Pablo Neruda, translation by W.W. Merwin

 

I remember you as you were in the last autumn.

You were the grey beret and the still heart.

In your eyes the flames of the twilight fought on.

And the leaves fell in the water of your soul.

–

Sky from a ship. Field from the hills:

You memory is made of light, of smoke, of a still pond!

Beyond your eyes, farther on, the evenings were blazing.

Dry autumn leaves revolved in your soul.

 

Note: Of the four stanzas, I only include the first and last. The second and third stanzas express the intimate, passionate longing for an absent lover.

Twenty Love Songs and A Poem of Despair, Penguin Group

Bill Thayer and Penelope

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University of Chicago’s Penelope web-site is a remarkable treasure trove of literary texts and history. Bill Thayer’s contribution includes 45 complete works of authors from antiquity, all available online. This is where I found my preferred translation of Plutarch’s Letter to His Wife, first published in the Loeb Classical Library.

I recommend both sites for students, scholars and the just plain literary.

Cinefamily Theater

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611 N Fairfax Avenue Los Angeles 90036 / 323-655-2510
There are times when the place where you are is the place you least want to be. Every step on the staircase of my house echos with the memory of bare toddler toes, defiant Doc Martens or the vibrant multi colored sneakers she placed neatly beside her apartment door before she killed herself. The sneakers she always wore. That’s how you knew to tell the worried friends to call the police. That’s how you knew, before the police broke down her locked bedroom door, that they would find her lifeless body on the other side. These are the thoughts the stairs make you think, that make you pace the floor, rub your arms raw, grab your car keys and get the hell out.

Where you go depends on what you need. For me, it is any place that offers distraction. My favorite places are movie theaters. Almost always, though, I find modern mainstream movies bring back absolute, tangible memories of my daughter or deal with themes too immediately relevant to my life. The theaters themselves hold too many memories, since Lena and I saw movies together at all of them. I might as well sit at home and contemplate  my stairs. Continue reading →

Comic Relief from Grief

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The comforts of comedy during grief

After losing her daughter to Hades, the Goddess Demeter, was said to be so despondent in her grief that no one could rouse her. That is until Baubo, a rotund little character, got up in front of the goddess and did “an obscene dance”, causing Demeter to laugh and resume the search for her daughter.

We mortals cannot bargain for the return of our loved ones, even for just half a year. We must find a way to survive the suffocating grief. Laughter can resuscitate; each belly bellowed HA! followed by a deep, refreshing breath, over and over, HA-HA-HA-HA. But it doesn’t have to be huge guffaws: giggles, titters even just a smile accompanied by a tender, even breath, can lighten the chest.

What follows is a list of comic entertainment that Mimi and I found helpful in breaking up the congestion of grief that clogged our chests. Humor is a very personal thing and some of what we found amusing might bore or offend others. Perhaps our dark moods took us to some fairly vulgar arenas that some of you might not care to enter. I’ve offered descriptions to help people make informed choices that will please their own tastes and sensibilities. But my main goal is to help soothe aching souls. Hope this list accomplishes that in some measure.

Romantic Comedies!

Anything with a happy ending that arrives without too much conflict, frequently starring:

Sandra Bullock

  • All Miss Congeniality movies
  • Two Week’s Notice
  • The Proposal
  • All About Steve (beware: slightly edgy, unconventional ending but I liked it)
  • While You Were Sleeping

Reese Witherspoon

  • Sweet Home Alabama
  • Legally Blonde 1&2
  • Just Like Heaven
  • Four Christmases

Jennifer Aniston

  • The Object of My Affection
  • Along Came Polly
  • The Break-Up
  • He’s Just Not That Into You
  • The Switch
  • Just Go With It

Drew Barrymore

  • The Wedding Singer
  • Ever After
  • Never Been Kissed
  • 50 First Dates
  • He’s Just Not That Into You
  • Whip It

Stand-Up Comedy

This is a VERY personal category. Some great sources for finding stand-up are Netflix.com and Comedy Central – they have on demand stand up online at Comedycentral.com. Some of our favorites follow. There are lots of other good comedians, it’s just not that easy to find them online or dvd:

  • Jim Gaffigan (good for most ages)
  • Brian Regan (good for most ages)
  • Louis CK (very very adult content)
  • Steven Wright (adult content)
  • Kristen Schaal (adult content)
  • Russell Brand (adult content)
  • Kathy Griffin (adult content)
  • Sara Silverman (adult content)

Saturday Night Live

Still cranking after all these years, Saturday Nights on NBC. You can watch sketches from previous episodes on Hulu.com or full episodes and recaps at NBC.com.

Funnyordie.com - a conglomeration of comedians creating original content. Fun.

A Roomful of Parents

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Between the time I learned my older daughter was dead and the hour or so it took my younger daughter to return home, I was nobody’s mother. It seemed I had become the child of everyone in the room with me – a toddler who could not look out for her own well being.
“How do you feel? Are you sure? Have some water…drink it all.” They watch while I drink it then go get me some more. “Come on and sit down, that’s right, let me cover you up with this blanket, are you comfortable?” “Drink this water, come on, just a little, your body needs it.” “No, don’t get up. What do you need, I’ll get it for you.” I have to go to the bathroom – haven’t they noticed I’ve been drinking water from a seemingly bottomless glass. “Oh. OK.” I’m escorted to the bathroom. Are they holding my hand? No, just my arm. I wonder if they’ll ask if I need to be wiped. They don’t ask, of course, that would be silly, I am a big girl. I come out of the bathroom and am now in the kitchen, giving my caretakers another need to be assessed. “Have you eaten?” I don’t remember, I know I’m not hungry. “You have to eat something.” They look in my fridge. Oh yes, that pasta, I say, it’s leftover from dinner, I have, I’ve already eaten. “Are you sure?” Hmmm. Let’s consider the evidence: I am not hungry. In the fridge there is pasta still warm to the touch. Yes. I have eaten. I don’t say any of this out loud, only that, yes, I am sure.

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